Supporting a friend or family member who you feel may be experiencing domestic abuse
People often feel awkward about 'taking sides' and try to keep out of a situation, believing it is not really any of their business. Friends and family may think that they are being 'neutral', but the abuser usually takes this as evidence that his behavior is acceptable. In addition, an abused woman can easily interpret the 'neutrality' of those closest to her as blame for the situation.
Raise the issue
Don't wait for your abused friend to tell you about the situation. Bring the subject up yourself when her abusive partner isn't around. Let her know you are concerned about her and want to help. Try not to criticize her partner or the relationship. Instead, focus on the abuse and her safety. You don't have to know all the answers. The importance of helping your friend break the silence and end the isolation should never be underestimated. Listen to what she says and let her show you how you can be supportive.
Giving support
You need to support your abused friend in whatever decision she is currently making about her relationship, while being clear that the abuse is wrong. It is OK to be truthful or give your opinion, but bear in mind that your friend needs to be supported rather than judged. Maintain contact with her, helping her explore all the options on offer.
Supporting a friend in this way is a huge challenge. You don't want to see her get hurt, but may have to watch her carry on with her partner when you think she should leave him or have him arrested. As her friend, make sure you offer her something the abuser doesn't. For example, if he tells her what to do all the time, it's no use you doing the same.
It is important to remember three critical things:
• You are not the person who has to live with the consequences of any decision. She is. Therefore, it isn't surprising that she makes decisions in her best interests (as she sees them), rather than doing what you may want her to do.
• Leaving is an extremely difficult decision to make, involving both emotional and practical considerations. Moreover, most women are in the position of attempting to make this decision within the context of an abuser who begs them to stay and promises to change.
• Often, leaving a violent partner only signifies the end of the relationship - not the end of the violence. Two women are killed every week by a current or former male partner. Of these, most were in the process of attempting to leave a violent relationship or had recently left one.
If you try to offer help to a friend, remember that you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Whatever else you do, be sure to deep yourself safe.
What you can say to her:
The following messages will all help your friend if you can get them across when talking about her situation.
• Domestic violence is totally unacceptable. Every woman has the right to live her life free of violence, abuse, intimidation and fear.
• Domestic violence is very common. One woman in four experiences domestic violence at some point in her life.
• Domestic violence is not just about individual men abusing individual women. It is also about the systematic abuse and oppression of women in the society in which we live.
• Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusive, violent and sexually abusive behavior is wide-ranging and subtle in what it tries to achieve.
• Domestic violence is intentional and instrumental behavior. It is about scaring a women into doing something she doesn't want to do, or scaring her out of doing something that she does want to do.
• The abuser is 100% responsible for his abuse. Alcohol, culture or unemployment are not excuses. His abuse is his problem and his responsibility.
• It is not your fault. No woman deserves to be abused, regardless of what she says or does.
• A man can change if he wants to. His behavior is within his control and he can choose to stop
• You cannot change him. He himself is the only person who can stop his violence.
• You don't have to put up with it. A woman has the right to safety and respect, to put herself and her children first and to focus on her needs.
• You can increase your safety. If the man is intent on being violent, she will not be able to stop him. However, there are things she can do to increase her safety. See our 'Safety Plan' page.
Further Support
Domestic Abuse support and counselling contacts
This page has information, help and support for anyone affected by domestic violence. If you need emergency advice then you can go straight to our Getting Help page.
National 24 hour Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline
To talk to someone in confidence for support, information or an emergency referral to temporary accommodation call 0808 2000 247.
Website: www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Rights of Women
Offers an advice line with free legal advice for women by women and a sexual violence helpline. Rights of Women is a voluntary organisation committed to informing, educating and empowering women about their legal rights.
Legal helpline: 020 7251 6577
Sexual violence helpline: 020 7251 8887
Website: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
Rape Crisis
Rape Crisis Centre across England and Wales provide a range of specialist services for women and girls who have been raped or have experienced another form of sexual violence, whether as adults or children. See the website for details of local centres
Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk
Refuge
Refuge is a national charity that provides emergency accommodation and support for women and children experiencing domestic violence. Some of the refuges are for women of specific cultural backgrounds.
Website: www.refuge.org.uk
Victim Support
Victim Support is a national charity for victims and witnesses of crime in England and Wales and offers a free and confidential service, irrespective or not of whether or not a crime has been reported
Helpline: 0845 30 30 900
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Women's Aid Federation of England
The key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children with a network of over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the UK.
Website: www.womensaid.org.uk
Support for lesbians and gay men
Broken Rainbow
Telephone helpline for lesbians, gay men and bisexual or transgendered people experiencing domestic violence.. This helpline is operated by workers from these communities and ensures caller privacy.
Helpline: 08452 60 44 60
Website: www.broken-rainbow.org.uk
Violence against older people
Action on Elder Abuse
AEA is a nationwide charity working to protect and prevent the abuse of vulnerable older adults.
Uk Helpline: 0808 808 8141
Website: www.elderabuse.org.uk
Support for minority and ethnic groups
Chinese Information and Advice Centre (CIAC)
A UK charity offering free legal advice and support to disadvantaged Chinese people living in the UK. Their Women's Support Project helps women who are experiencing family or marital difficulties and provided access to services including housing and legal help.
Helpline: 08453 131 868
Website: www.ciac.co.uk
Jewish Women's Aid (JWA)
JWA provides a freephone helpline, practical and legal advice and a confidential counselling service for Jewish women facing domestic violence. It also runs a secure refuge in London for women of all levels of reliogious observance and their children.
Helpline: 0800 59 12 03
Website: www.jwa.org.uk
Newham Asian Women's Project
NAWP provides emergency accommodation and housing support services to South Asian women and their children fleeing domestic violence. It also offers counselling services and rights-based advice.
Helpline: 08453 131 868
Southall Black Sisters
SBS runs a resource centre in West London that provides advice, counselling and self-help support services to Asian and African-Caribbean women experiencing violence and abuse.
Helpline: 0208 571 0800
Website: www.southallblacksisters.org.uk
Support for you and your children
If you are an adult caring for children, the websites below can offer the following support:
• Advice if you are concerned about a child's safety
• Information on how the law can protect your children
• Practical advice on issues such as housing and benefits
• Advice if you are concerned about a child's emotional health
Barnado's
Barnardo's helps children, young people and their families over the long term to overcome the most severe problems like abuse, homelessness and poverty. Use the website to find an office near you.
Website: www.barnardos.org.uk
National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC)
The NSPCC is dedicated to ending cruelty to children in the UK. The free 24 hour helpline provides information and advice for anyone concerned about a child's safety. The Asian helpline and Cymru/Wales Helpline can be accessed via the main helpline number.
Helpline 0808 800 5000
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
Parentline Plus
Parentline plus is a national charity providing help and support to anyone caring for children, for families living together as well as apart. It runs a freephone helpline and has a community of parents supporting each other through forums and blogs.
Helpline: 0808 800 2222
Website: www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Young Minds
Young Minds is a national charity committed to improving the mental health of children and young people. It provides a free telephone helpline offering information and advice to any adult with concerns about the mental health of a child or young person.
Parents Helpline: 0808 802 5544
Website: www.youngminds